Choosing You

 

I had totally forgotten about this blog but now that i know it's still here i can write again and try writing every day.  Choosing me instead of what others think, I still want to move, have a stable, emotionally balanced, financially secure, honest and trustworthy man in my life.    He must also be a real Christian who has a relationship with God , loves his family and children if he has them.  Supports my dreams and allows me to be independent and doesn't overwhelm or smother me.  

I want to continue to write my poems, paint, crochet, watch my Youtube videoes about van life and how people are living the nomadic life.  Being free to see the world, what i really want is the ability to travel and see different places, experience different things.    I want to live my best life, eat the best healthy food,  I can do it.

I can do all these things, if i don't allow my negativity and laziness get in the way.  I have to stay focused 

My goals are to get my health under control: blood sugar stable under 7 a1c, eat veggies, stop drinking sodas, drink more water, drink detox drinks and teas, drink smoothies, eat pasta with greens.  Fruits, i can do it, i must do it because i dont want to die young.  i want to walk without this walker, be able to run and go places without allowing my fears to hold me back.  i am going to overcome my fears .

After my health is stable i will focus more on my finances so that i can move into the apartment that i deserve to live in where all of my needs are met.  i am not use to non efficiency and non professionalism, i've been a professional all my life and no one can steal my character or value.  i know my worth and i respect and value others.

Starting Over in 2021

 

I didn't know that I this blog still existed.  I said to myself I was going to stop writing my Diet Challenge and everything about my health on Facebook when one of my friend's decided to respond sarcastically when I mentioned that the Insulin I am on is adding weight; that's one of the side effects.  She said what about a 1200 calorie diet.  That was the last straw; I removed the post and will from now on just write here about my weight issues.  I will just post there about the weight exericese about all the personal stuff and what I did; they don't need to know.

I am gonna fast, eat intentionally, drink water,  and follow my Endocronologist and watch my Youtube inspirational Transformational Videos.  Remi Cruz is my favorite; there are many and this is my journey.  I don't need people telling me how I should lose weight.

I am not going to as many  support group meetings because I find some of them to be to controlling and depressing or some people to controlling and manipulative.  I have worked to hard not to return to the life of negativity or drama.  These grown ass women need to grow up instead of trying to run people and their mouths.

I love my sponsors and I listen to them and call them when I need their advice.  I can truly depend on God because during my time of need ; people disappear.  I will not be as available and allow them to deal with issues on their own.

Crying in the City

I woke up this morning and went to breakfast but did not eat.  I sent a 3 page text and cried.  I was so unhappy about my life situation that I cried.  I took the bus to the hospital to start the IOP program again and cried with the Intake Coordinator.  I came back to the shelter for lunch and cried as I ate.  I sat on the computer and listen to Family Affair by Mary J. Blige and cried.  My casemanager was ready to see me and I cried even more in his office.  I saw the Director of the shelter who spoke to me about a earlier text I sent and I cried even more.

I am crying because the woman I once was is no more; I can no longer work in the profession I once did; who and what I did was a part of me.  Who am I now?  I don't know?   Change, the thing I don't like the most is what is happening to me and I must accept it or die.

Blogging Again

I had totally forgotten that I had a Blogger account.  As I was sitting in the computer lab having "blue moment" I started reading articles that mentioned doing things that you enjoyed doing when you were younger and I enjoyed writing so here I am.

I will write about everything and anything to keep myself busy.

Bipolar in the Shelter

I was diagnosed with BiPolar in 2014 and didn't accept my diagnosis until 2016.  By accepting it I mean fully embracing it.  I had to embrace it because it was thrown into my face full speed when I moved into a shelter.

I moved into a shelter on March 25, 2016 and it has been the most life changing experience I have ever experienced.  I pray that this is my last experience ever living in a shelter and that no one ever should have to experience this type of living.

The shelter where I was place is what I call a gentle, softer, shelter  compared to other larger shelters in the city of Chicago.  Being smaller has it's benefits and short coming; they are more attentive to the residents and know everyone by name but because it's smaller; they lack funds for most things.

I have met different types of people in the shelter with different personalities and this is where my bipolar issues come into place.  I was first diagnosed as unspecified so that meant; they couldn't categorize my symptoms all of them is what I had; in a nutshell anything could trigger me.  And everything did trigger me; from sounds to lights, changes of any kind; it was horrible.

I still am in the shelter and I am under medical care taking my medicine and my diagnosis has improved I have a diagnosis now: Hypomania.  I still am effected my changes and I am learning how to cope with it which is still a struggle for me.  I participate in the Art Therapy program we have by crocheting chains, not hats, scraves, or anything else, just chains and I paint which brings me some relief.

For now, I wait patiently until it's my time to move; most of the women I started out with have moved or have been kicked out the shelter but I remain.